A couple of times this week I have found myself mentioning John Bowlby’s concept of ‘pathogenic parenting’ to people.
By this, he meant parenting that leads to ‘pathology’ (which I would usually refer to as emotional or psychological distress). He reported a number of parental behaviours that are damaging:
- Persistently not responding to a child’s attempts to gain attention
- Actively disparaging or rejecting a child
- Threatening not to love the child
- Threats to leave the family
- Threatening to kill the other parent or to commit suicide
- Telling the child that their behaviour is causing or will cause the parent’s illness or death
- Needing the child to care for the parent
Any of these can cause what is called ‘anxious attachment’: the individual is constantly anxious that he or she will lose their attachment figure – for children, this would be a parent, and for adults is more likely to be a romantic partner.
In some people, these kinds of childhood experiences can lead to being anxious and insecure as adults. Others might respond by becoming compulsively self-reliant, or a compulsive care-giver.
Although the coping strategies may differ, it is usually helpful for someone who has experienced this kind of parenting to recognise that it was not their fault, to accept that it is normal and human to want to be loved and approved of and to have emotional needs. It takes time to learn how to assess who is worthy of trust, and practice to start to trust your own feelings and intuitions.
Counselling or psychotherapy can help to develop this self-acceptance – so, too, can activities as diverse as joining a choir, studying animal behaviour or writing your life story.
John Bowlby (1979) ‘The making & breaking of affectional bonds’. London: Routledge page 137-139