How to damage your child

posted on March 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

A couple of times this week I have found myself mentioning John Bowlby’s concept of ‘pathogenic parenting’ to people.

By this, he meant parenting that leads to ‘pathology’ (which I would usually refer to as emotional or psychological distress). He reported a number of parental behaviours that are damaging:

  • Persistently not responding to a child’s attempts to gain attention
  • Actively disparaging or rejecting a child
  • Threatening not to love the child
  • Threats to leave the family
  • Threatening to kill the other parent or to commit suicide
  • Telling the child that their behaviour is causing or will cause the parent’s illness or death
  • Needing the child to care for the parent

Any of these can cause what is called ‘anxious attachment’: the individual is constantly anxious that he or she will lose their attachment figure – for children, this would be a parent, and for adults is more likely to be a romantic partner.

In some people, these kinds of childhood experiences can lead to being anxious and insecure as adults. Others might respond by becoming compulsively self-reliant, or a compulsive care-giver.

Although the coping strategies may differ, it is usually helpful for someone who has experienced this kind of parenting to recognise that it was not their fault, to accept that it is normal and human to want to be loved and approved of and to have emotional needs. It takes time to learn how to assess who is worthy of trust, and practice to start to trust your own feelings and intuitions.

Counselling or psychotherapy can help to develop this self-acceptance – so, too, can activities as diverse as joining a choir, studying animal behaviour or writing your life story.

John Bowlby (1979) ‘The making & breaking of affectional bonds’. London: Routledge page 137-139

Attention and concentration

posted on March 30, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I was working with a client yesterday to explore his difficulties with concentration. He already recognised that he was very easily distracted, in many situations, both work and personal. The thought crossed my mind ‘If he were under 12, he would probably be described as having ADHD’. (And the diagnosis can also be applied to adults.) The response of many doctors would be to prescribe Ritalin. I prefer to explore psychological ways of understanding and improving specific aspects of concentration.

What is ‘concentration’?
The ability to focus attention on a chosen area for a period of time.

It involves paying attention, and processing information effectively. It is well established that we have a limited amount of attention – we cannot listen to two conversations simultaneously, and if we are having a conversation while driving, we’ll probably stop talking as we come up to a busy roundabout.

Other factors affect our attention: extroverts generally are less good at giving sustained attention to something than introverts; our attention is reduced when we are tired; people with high levels of anxiety are often ‘hyper-vigilant’ (they are constantly scanning their surroundings for anything threatening) so they have less attention available to focus on the task in hand. We also don’t pay much attention to things that don’t interest us.

Not paying attention can also become a habit – I know I switch off if my sons start talking about computer games consoles. And there are times when it is appropriate and healthy to let our attention wander: if our hands are occupied doing a well-practised task, the mind can wander away to enjoyable castles in the air. It is useful, though, to be able to control the volume on our attention, so that we can have it at full strength when necessary.

We can develop our skill in paying attention: mindfulness techniques are one approach; doing Sudoku or a crossword against the clock is another. I found myself laying out objects to play Kim’s game.  It is a simple way to assess how good your attention and short-term memory are – and also to develop both.

Concentration also involves being able to focus thought – to process information. Thought is not necessarily in words: a painter staring at her latest work in progress is probably assessing depth of colour, strength of brushstroke, how one colour or shape affects those next to it. We all tend to have preferred ways of processing information: I am predominantly visual – I can read and ‘tune out’ a TV programme going on at the same time. My husband, who is more of an auditory processor, finds this impossible. Some people – including many who are good at sport – are mainly kinaesthetic by choice:  they learn something by doing it (‘muscle memory’). So what?

Well, if what we want to concentrate on is a conversation, and we are a mainly visual processor, it is helpful to keep our eyes focused on the person who is speaking (or close your eyes if on the phone). For those who prefer the auditory channel, one useful technique to prevent your attention from being grabbed by anything else is to listen with the intention of being able to summarise what has just been said. For the kinaesthetic, having something to occupy your muscles – such as doodling – can help to free up the rest of your attention to listen to the conversation.

It’s worth experimenting with all of these, regardless of preferred method of processing, to see which work best for you. And remember – as with any skill, developing concentration requires practice.

Category: self awareness ; Tags: , , :-

Listening to opera on radio

posted on June 19, 2010 at 5:55 pm

Just been listening to the first act of Donizetti’s Maria Stuarda on Radio 3, and reflecting on listening to opera rather than seeing it. The presenter tells us how the characters are dressed, but does this add to the experience?Although I’m a visual person, I don’t really create a mental image to accompany the music. But when I’m listening to an opera I’ve seen, I do have a mental picture of the production.

Which do I prefer? Well, when I’m just listening, I can do other things at the same time – whereas when I have a mental picture, it’s more like sitting watching TV, and I’m almost certainly more involved in the drama as well as the music.