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How to damage your child

posted on March 16, 2012 at 2:40 pm

A couple of times this week I have found myself mentioning John Bowlby’s concept of ‘pathogenic parenting’ to people.

By this, he meant parenting that leads to ‘pathology’ (which I would usually refer to as emotional or psychological distress). He reported a number of parental behaviours that are damaging:

  • Persistently not responding to a child’s attempts to gain attention
  • Actively disparaging or rejecting a child
  • Threatening not to love the child
  • Threats to leave the family
  • Threatening to kill the other parent or to commit suicide
  • Telling the child that their behaviour is causing or will cause the parent’s illness or death
  • Needing the child to care for the parent

Any of these can cause what is called ‘anxious attachment’: the individual is constantly anxious that he or she will lose their attachment figure – for children, this would be a parent, and for adults is more likely to be a romantic partner.

In some people, these kinds of childhood experiences can lead to being anxious and insecure as adults. Others might respond by becoming compulsively self-reliant, or a compulsive care-giver.

Although the coping strategies may differ, it is usually helpful for someone who has experienced this kind of parenting to recognise that it was not their fault, to accept that it is normal and human to want to be loved and approved of and to have emotional needs. It takes time to learn how to assess who is worthy of trust, and practice to start to trust your own feelings and intuitions.

Counselling or psychotherapy can help to develop this self-acceptance – so, too, can activities as diverse as joining a choir, studying animal behaviour or writing your life story.

John Bowlby (1979) ‘The making & breaking of affectional bonds’. London: Routledge page 137-139

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Attention and concentration

posted on March 30, 2011 at 12:01 pm

I was working with a client yesterday to explore his difficulties with concentration. He already recognised that he was very easily distracted, in many situations, both work and personal. The thought crossed my mind ‘If he were under 12, he would probably be described as having ADHD’. (And the diagnosis can also be applied to adults.) The response of many doctors would be to prescribe Ritalin. I prefer to explore psychological ways of understanding and improving specific aspects of concentration.

What is ‘concentration’?
The ability to focus attention on a chosen area for a period of time.

It involves paying attention, and processing information effectively. It is well established that we have a limited amount of attention – we cannot listen to two conversations simultaneously, and if we are having a conversation while driving, we’ll probably stop talking as we come up to a busy roundabout.

Other factors affect our attention: extroverts generally are less good at giving sustained attention to something than introverts; our attention is reduced when we are tired; people with high levels of anxiety are often ‘hyper-vigilant’ (they are constantly scanning their surroundings for anything threatening) so they have less attention available to focus on the task in hand. We also don’t pay much attention to things that don’t interest us.

Not paying attention can also become a habit – I know I switch off if my sons start talking about computer games consoles. And there are times when it is appropriate and healthy to let our attention wander: if our hands are occupied doing a well-practised task, the mind can wander away to enjoyable castles in the air. It is useful, though, to be able to control the volume on our attention, so that we can have it at full strength when necessary.

We can develop our skill in paying attention: mindfulness techniques are one approach; doing Sudoku or a crossword against the clock is another. I found myself laying out objects to play Kim’s game.  It is a simple way to assess how good your attention and short-term memory are – and also to develop both.

Concentration also involves being able to focus thought – to process information. Thought is not necessarily in words: a painter staring at her latest work in progress is probably assessing depth of colour, strength of brushstroke, how one colour or shape affects those next to it. We all tend to have preferred ways of processing information: I am predominantly visual – I can read and ‘tune out’ a TV programme going on at the same time. My husband, who is more of an auditory processor, finds this impossible. Some people – including many who are good at sport – are mainly kinaesthetic by choice:  they learn something by doing it (‘muscle memory’). So what?

Well, if what we want to concentrate on is a conversation, and we are a mainly visual processor, it is helpful to keep our eyes focused on the person who is speaking (or close your eyes if on the phone). For those who prefer the auditory channel, one useful technique to prevent your attention from being grabbed by anything else is to listen with the intention of being able to summarise what has just been said. For the kinaesthetic, having something to occupy your muscles – such as doodling – can help to free up the rest of your attention to listen to the conversation.

It’s worth experimenting with all of these, regardless of preferred method of processing, to see which work best for you. And remember – as with any skill, developing concentration requires practice.

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Happiness and fulfilment

posted on November 5, 2010 at 2:18 pm

I’ve been reflecting recently on ‘what constitutes happiness?’ I consider myself lucky that generally I’m a fairly happy person – but most of the time that equates to ‘contentment’. There are times of ‘joy’, occasional ‘ecstasy’ (unrelated to the drug!), ‘satisfaction’, ‘pleasure’ (Sainsburys triple chocolate muffins recommended), ‘delight’, ‘amusement’, ‘excitement’, ‘gratitude’. Most of these are a response to a particular situation or experience: watching my baby granddaughter interact with the world, sunlight on the glowing leaves of a shrub in my garden, reading a particularly well-phrased sentence in a novel, and sensual pleasures of all kinds. Recently I enjoyed a meal out with a group of good friends: the food was good, the decor stylish, and the service excellent, but what made it a great evening was the company of people I like, respect and trust.

The new field of positive psychology is concerned with exploring what leads to a sense of wellbeing, and how to measure it. There are various measures of happiness used in research studies that compare, for example, average levels of happiness across different countries. Certain factors come out as being common in people who describe themselves as happy:

  • good relationships with family and friends
  • meaning in life
  • spending time on goals related to your central values

Recently, some criticisms have emerged, particularly of claims relating to the relatively low importance of wealth on happiness. Certainly, worrying about how you are going to pay your bills reduces happiness, and there are going to be many people working in the public sector with concerns about job security. The central theme of the findings from research in this area though, is that if one has ‘enough’, then ‘more’ does not lead to significantly greater happiness.

I’m reminded of Maslow’s description of a ‘hierarchy of needs’:

  1. At the most fundamental level – physiological needs such as food, shelter
  2. Security/safety – law, protection etc.
  3. Social relatedness – belonging, friendship, love
  4. Esteem needs – feeling value in oneself, and valued by others
  5. Self-actualisation – being all that one is capable of

Loss of any of these seriously dents our happiness, but feeling OK in the first four areas frees us up to really pursue goals that resonate with our sense of values.

If we’re feeling unhappy, it can be useful to look at how satisfied we are in each of Maslow’s levels to identify which area to prioritise for action. And taking action about areas of dissatisfaction is a valuable strategy to reduce anxiety and depression.

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Links between physical and mental health – World Mental Health Day

posted on September 28, 2010 at 5:45 pm

This year’s World Mental Health Day (10 October) is focusing on the impact of chronic health conditions on mental wellbeing. The WHO (World Health Organisation) website says:
“Physical and mental health are intertwined. There is a real need to deal with mental health problems of people with chronic physical illnesses and physical care of mental health consumers through a continued and integrated care.”


The WHO campaign is targeting four serious chronic conditions: cancer, cardiovascular illnesses, diabetes, and respiratory diseases. I have seen people with cancer slip into depression, but not mention it to their medical team as they assume their low mood is inevitable. However, I am also aware of how mental and physical wellbeing interact in much less serious situations: I’ve had a minor cold for over a week, and have been aware of reduced energy, stamina and enthusiasm.

I believe that mind and body are in constant interaction: disturbance in our body can lead to psychological effects, and vice versa:

In the past, I’ve worked with people with chronic physical conditions, and know how these can reduce the individual’s belief in themselves, in their competence and ability to deal with stress. If left unchecked, this low self-efficacy can lead to depression. Regaining a sense of control – over any area of life – can shift this low self-belief, and reduce depressive symptoms. The Expert Patient programme is one approach to helping people increase their sense of control in life.

In the other direction, prolonged stress can lead to reduced functioning of the immune system, hence vulnerability to infections. Anxiety leads many people to develop a state of chronic muscle tension – for which massage and mindfulness meditation can be very helpful. Depression is associated with disrupted sleep, which affects our ability to concentrate and make decisions, also our emotional resilience. Scheduling demanding activities for the time of day one feels at one’s best is one tip I’ve shared with many clients.

There are many things that have a positive effect on both physical and mental well-being:

1. I’m a relatively late convert to exercise: for most of my life I told myself that gardening gave me as much of a workout as I needed – but I now know that a gym class or a brisk walk will allow me to step back from whatever I’ve been immersed in and look at it from a fresh perspective, as well as stretching out a skeleton and musculature which have stiffened from my sedentary job.

2. Laughter is a great relaxant – whether it’s watching a DVD of a favourite comedy, or passing on an email funny – enjoying the moment takes us out of preoccupation and tension.

3. Dealing with things you’ve been putting off frees you from a nagging sense of guilt – I notice that my shoulders drop into a more relaxed position – and gives you the mental space to consider more fulfilling activities.

4. Organising a series of things to look forward to can lift us out of low levels of depressed mood, and being active helps manage pain.

5. Focusing on the positives rather than the negatives has a profound impact on overall well-being. Giving oneself a pat on the back for achieving something – writing down 3 things one has accomplished today – thinking about the best part of the day on the way home from work, or before settling down to sleep – can all help to build self-belief, and reduce pain and tension.

6. Stop, breathe, smell the roses, look at the sky – the phrase ‘be here now’ sums it up – lets us get a different perspective.

So, what might you choose to do to boost the physical and mental well-being of yourself and/or someone else on World Mental Day, this October 10th?

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