Reflecting on ‘being different’, the sense of not fitting in, of what Sartre and other philosophers have called ‘the other’. I don’t know if it’s simply that this is the lens through which I look, but so many clients, supervisees and students over the years seem to have had feelings of ‘not belonging’. They might have called it by different names – feeling alien, an outsider, a second class citizen, a dinosaur – and the objective source of difference has varied hugely: ethnicity, height, weight, sexuality, age, adoption, religion (and others) – but there seem to be some common forms of reaction. While I haven’t experienced the levels of discrimination that I have heard of from others, I do have memories I can draw on.
I can remember, as a child of eight or nine, attending a Roman Catholic church service, and feeling bewildered, not understanding the language (Latin) or liturgy, not knowing when to sit or stand or when to respond with an ‘amen’. I was fearful of being shamed or humiliated, but also intrigued: what was it like to be familiar with this ritual? I was also aware of the beauty and richness of the service and surroundings, and how novel it was to me.
Other occasions of feeling like an outsider have been harder: attending conferences on specialist topics, when I am a generalist, I have sometimes slipped into feeling inadequate, as if what I had to say was less valuable. This has led me to either be silent, or pretend greater knowledge than I had. This echoes feelings of powerlessness that I have heard from others. These situations can also trigger a fear of rejection, which is a very disempowering experience in itself.
Having lived in many different places as a child, joining schools where everyone else knew each other, and their place in the pecking order, I had early experience of being an outsider, and learned several strategies for dealing with this. Sometimes I would make strenuous efforts to learn the norms of my new environment and mimic these in order to fit in. At other times I would hold on to my sense of being different, and convert it to being ‘special’ or superior. Occasionally, I would feel excluded, powerless, and that the others simply had no idea of who I was, or what I was trying to communicate. Often, my sense was of being an observer, rather than a participant.
Studying psychology, and then counselling, gave me some theoretical understanding of my experience: the basic human need for connection, belonging and acceptance was spelled out by Maslow. Social psychologists such as Tajfel demonstrated how our identity is hugely influenced by the groups with which we identify. Mead’s work on the self-concept showed how important others’ views of us are in the formation of our sense of self. Rogers’ theory explained how we deny or distort disapproved or different parts of our self in order to be accepted by our parents (‘be a good girl’).
Recently, I have been reading a lot of philosophy, and most philosophical ideas about ‘otherness’ emphasise that while we need to encounter difference to develop a sense of self, the encounter often becomes a struggle for dominance (Hegel’s master/slave dialectic).
These theories suggest what it is about ‘being different’ that makes it difficult:
- if we do not trust the others, then we are likely to fear rejection
- if the others have more power or authority than us they might diminish our sense of self
I am lucky: my parenting gave me good self-esteem, and my curiosity about others whose experiences are different from my own led me to learning and education, and eventually a career where I have been able to make use of my desire to understand people. What I have concluded is that difference is inevitable – not even identical twins are identical in all respects. What makes ‘being different’ a problem is actual or feared exclusion or domination, with the isolation and shame that these can provoke. While prejudice and discrimination should always be challenged, I believe that self-acceptance is key: there will always be aspects of me that others fear, disapprove of or dislike – but if I can accept myself, I don’t need to hide these aspects or pretend to be other than myself. And acceptance of all aspects of oneself is what I aim for with all those with whom I work.